I need to vent

[Fields]

Well don't kill yourself; who else is gonna join my TDM games and force me onto TS. ♥

[matsif]

I don't want to rehash the whole thread. I can't say much more than everyone else has, because I haven't been through your exact situation. However, I can tell you of mine, even if all it does is let you know of someone else in this community that has been into dark places and made it out.

Most of the below I haven't shared with many people, because it still haunts me. But if it in any way helps you, I need to say it.

When I was 19, I had a girlfriend and a bunch of good friends. I loved this girl, she was (I thought) perfect. Then on valentines day, I get a black heart card with a flash drive in it, which was funny because she knew I was a computer nerd. So I plug in the flash drive, and there's a video on it. Of her cheating on me. That same day, 3 of my best friends died going to a party when a drunk driver slammed their car. I was supposed to be in that car, I skipped the party because of the above, and placed a lot of blame on myself for not being there to do anything. I didn't feel safe telling that story to anyone, and I hid inside myself. Put on the ruse of being the sarcastic guy at school. And the knife looked really nice a lot of days. I had nothing outside of the ruse of being "normal" outside of my room, because I could never talk to my parents about much as they never liked any of my life choices other than playing sports in high school, and the only friends I trusted were no longer there to help me when I fell. And I fought this, and kept fighting, and I'm still fighting it.

I know I'm not always the easiest person to get along with; I'm stubborn and generally apathetic towards most things anymore because of my previous experiences. But if you want to talk, please, talk. I make it a point to try to listen before talking anymore because no one would listen to me. Don't end your ability to talk. Generally speaking you're a funny guy, and honestly until this thread I wouldn't have guessed you were in your situation. Don't let that go.

Find a passion or a hobby, whether that's planetside or picking up an instrument or coding or anything. Don't keep everything to yourself, don't do what I did. Find something to be the best you can be, and take pride in it. I know that the tunnel is dark now, filled with terrors that cease to leave, but don't quit. There's always a light at the end, and there's always someone to help you on the path, even if you can't see them now.

Whatever your choice, remember that the community here will be here. We don't want this, nor do the people that know you personally, and if we can do anything from the distances we are from you, I'm pretty sure most of us would.

[Snookfingers]

hey man, i lost my best friends to suicide... it doesn't solve anything, ive been depressed myself... however youre only 19, youre so damn young, just roll with the punches and i promise it gets better, PM if you want bro anytime im on teamspeak if you feel like talking, however i dont know how to solve ur situation where everyone wins, but you need to make sure to get your medication no matter what

[Shrapnel]

Just going to echo what people have already said but,

There are always more options. It may not always seem that way because it's difficult to see out of that dark place you're currently trapped in. However, I know that if you keep looking, you'll find your way out.

It's great that you're reaching out, sometimes that hardest thing to do is actually admit that we're in trouble, but it is also the only way to get help. I hope by now you already realize that you have a bunch of people here who DO care about you and DO want to see you again and again for years to come. Please don't take Ceki away from us!

Life just sucks at 19. I guess some people say that those years at the best, but I don't think they're remembering correctly. For me it was the worst period of my life. You're an adult, but you're not making enough money to live on your own and it can be very stressful when you take away the familiar structure of the public education system and are suddenly told to go make it in the world on your own. It's hard to see now, but it will get better. I can honestly say that my life is worlds better now than it was when I was 19. I also struggled with depression at that age and even had suicidal thoughts, but I'm very glad now that I never acted on them.

There are other ways to get help other than paying for it. You're school probably has counselors on staff. There are the 1-800 numbers, there are online forums and chat lines full of helpful people who have gone through similar situations. If you are at all religious (or even if you're not) you're local church surely has people who will sit down and talk with you for free. You could also check if you have a YMCA or 4H club near you, they usually have counselors on staff as well.

If what you really need is to get away from your current situation, joining the military would certainly do that. I will say that the military isn't for everyone, but it could get you out of your situation, give you a steady paycheck, access to free health care and free education. Just be sure to get advice from some one other than the recruiter when picking a job, preferably someone from the same service you're joining. I think we have all the services represented here already. Send me a pm and I can discuss it with you (and I'll tell you everything, good and bad) and can point you to someone in another service if you don't want the Navy.

In the mean time, one thing that can do wonders is getting out and exercising. Go for a walk, a run or bike ride, or you're school probably has a gym you can use. Most anti-depressents cause certain "happy" chemicals to be released in the brain, the same chemicals that are triggered naturally by regular, vigorous exercise and exposure to sunlight. You'll feel better, you'll get out of the house and if you find a friend to work out with, you'll socialize too.

[Hgx]

I have been trying to write something here for hours, but Im not good at it...

I want you to know that I've been in those dark days where it seems the only thing to do is getting punched by life over and over, but I came to realize a few things:

Never, never give up. You're not defeated till you decide to. Just hold on to something, whatever you want. If someone/something tries to get in the way, just send that something to back the frak up.
There are 2 kinds of people. The easy/weak and the hard/strong. As a gamer I'll put a gaming example even if it sounds dumb, it's pure truth. A real man plays on the hardest mode there is, gets his ass kicked over and over and keeps going on till he wins.
Society sucks. No need to always follow what it says. Want to do something "out of the line"? Go ahead and do it. Random ex: Wanna drop college cause you like to ride bikes? frak college, but you better start riding that bike 24/7.
There is always a way out. As I kinda said before, as long as you're in the game, you're not defeated.

Hope that it helps, and I also hope to see you on the battlefield so we can all have some fun together.

"One way to forget about pain is to do something you'll be in, completely"
"Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down"

[haruky]

I know at this point, I'm beating the horse. But there is so much ahead of you. The road may seem windy and dark, but it doesn't end here. You've got a lot more road ahead of you. It isn't a dead end!

I'm really glad to see you're reaching out to us and venting what has been on your mind. Don't let it eat you up, Ceki. You've got people who care about you and it'd be devastating for a lot of us if you disappeared one day. You've been a big part of the community and we all want to look out for each other.

[LCourage]

phpBB [video]

[Ash2Dust]

The book is worth picking up imo, says more than a movie can.

[CekiHappy]

@Von
I'm in Florida, Jacksonville to be precise.
@cheesy
Java and HTML, but only from high school classes, i doubt thats good enough for anyone to hire me.
@ICallID
1) I think I like the programming side of things more than the rest, but i haven't much considered the rest

2) I sorta know java, i haven't learned enough to do much with it though. I'd like to learn C, or anything that can be used to get a job, mostly for the purpose of having a job.

3) My humanities teacher talks about how people are too engrossed in facebook, about how easy it is to hack facebook and that he can do it in 5 minutes(this is a guy who didn't understand why the audio wasn't playing from his computer, even though the audio icon was clearly muted).

4) This may be the lowest point in my life, but i'v felt like this for so long, and nothing helps. I'm really doubtful of it getting better. I drive a 1999 Mitsubishi Galant, its ok to drive.
I like talking too, but I feel that I just bring people down when I talk about anything

@Razy
I know some people care a lot about me, but i think they'd be happier if they didn't

@Fields
Maybe if you played planetside more, i could join you in that rather than tdm...

@matsif
Damn dude, I couldn't possibly begin to understand that pain. I feel ashamed that I let something as trivial as chronic depression bring me this far down when others have been through so much worse.

@shrap
my situation sucks, but i think it goes deeper than that. I just hate myself and don't think going anywhere else will change that.

@hgx
i don't really have any goals or motivation or have done anything worthwhile, iv only been alive

[Ash2Dust]

Cheesy as it sounds, becoming part of a support group can help reinforce the weaknesses that you know you have. Theres crap I wont deal with and flailed at for many years until my wife took them over. Basically mentally paralyzing, its not a physical problem. She has areas that shes weak at and I take them on.
Have you considered studying psychology? Explore what "experts" say makes us tick?

[Cheesy]

Ceki have you ever tried Codecademy? You might like it more than regular classes.

[undrt0w]

I saw your post the other and decided to give it some thought before replying. I found myself contemplating over it the whole day. I actually felt pretty frustrated, even helpless. Here, is this kid across the globe telling you that he has a serious problem. You feel fraked up because you think "Damn, I always thought he is a pretty nice guy, with his funny sarcasm and shady links on TS" and then you think "What do I do to help him?" and of course you can't help thinking "What if I cant?". I felt devastated man! Really devastated!! So, there you go, you have touched someone that lives on a different continent in a small country above Greece. I don't mean that you have to actually care about that...but its a fact and you can't do anything about it. Your interactions with people have consequences. You may have pushed away your RL friends, but at the same time you have gained friends in the online world, friends that care about you. I don't know if you will listen to some words on a forum, but given that fact that you took the initiative, I honestly hope you do. Trust me, there is no one here that will ever tell you to give up. In fact, from reading the above you actually got some pretty good ideas from people that have been through tough situations. You can see that they made it. If they can do it, so can you! There is never a dead end in life.

Follow the advices of the previous guys, try a group, search professional help, get a new job, try to move out and give it some time. You won't feel better the next day...it takes some time! You have to be patient. I am no expert but I too offer my services if you ever wanna talk to someone. Just tell me when to be on TS and I will be there.

[zorplex]

I've been watching this thread and hadn't replied since I don't know if I can really be of help. I'm also struggling with what might be mild depression. I'm almost convinced I'm bipolar. My sister and mother are either on or have been on medication for the disorder and I'd always considered it something that might be purely psychosomatic and dealt with through will power and a corrected mind set. But the more I read about it and experience the symptoms, it seems it might be necessary to get medicated. Unfortunately, I don't have the resources to have it fixed at present. Fortunately, my manic episodes are relatively rare but when they hit it's noticeable and alarming. My point is, definitely seek medical treatment and don't be afraid of any social stigma it might carry for you. Chemical imbalances are real and cannot be "thought away". I know your situation doesn't make this easy, but the alternative is possibly much worse. If you have to give up your current job and possibly take a break from school to address the problem, seriously consider it. It will definitely set you back in the short term. But if your symptoms are as severe as it seems to be, getting proper treatment will be much more beneficial in the long run.

If for whatever reason you decide your current circumstances aren't worth fighting against and just want to give up, consider simply leaving it behind. You don't have to carry around your burdens if they really are too much to bare. Go somewhere else and see what you can find. The world is big and our time on it is short enough as is, no sense on hurrying things. You have a car and the freedom that it brings. Instead of letting it go to waste, take it out and drive as far as you can until it breaks down and you run out of gas or money. Then get out and keep going. There are so many places to see and things to do and I'm willing to bet you haven't tried or seen even a significant fraction of them all. This is probably the funnest option and something I would consider first if I were in a similar situation. There really is so much to see and experience and it seems like a real shame to leave this life willingly without at least trying to see it all first.

Seek out people with whom you can be mutually beneficial. There are people that can not only help you but need help themselves. If you can't find a reason to live for yourself, try living for someone else. If you find yourself looking for something to do and wanting to connect with others, try volunteering. I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but it is a viable option that I've heard good things about.

Also, we're on the internet! We have access to so much information! Linking to something cookie cutter is rather impersonal, but I always find sources with more authority and less anecdote to be useful. Here's a place with seemingly good information and links to more resources that might help.

I can't say we know each other very well and I have no idea if any of this will help you, but it doesn't really matter. As long as you are talking with others that means you haven't given up, and that's the most important bit.

[ICallIDTheft]

@ICallID
1) I think I like the programming side of things more than the rest, but i haven't much considered the rest

2) I sorta know java, i haven't learned enough to do much with it though. I'd like to learn C, or anything that can be used to get a job, mostly for the purpose of having a job.

3) My humanities teacher talks about how people are too engrossed in facebook, about how easy it is to hack facebook and that he can do it in 5 minutes(this is a guy who didn't understand why the audio wasn't playing from his computer, even though the audio icon was clearly muted).

4) This may be the lowest point in my life, but i'v felt like this for so long, and nothing helps. I'm really doubtful of it getting better. I drive a 1999 Mitsubishi Galant, its ok to drive.
I like talking too, but I feel that I just bring people down when I talk about anything

1) Cool, maybe you'll like this youtube channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/Computerphile?feature=watch
I haven't looked at it much myself, but I like his other stuff. Find anything interesting for you on there?

2) I suppose it would be good to learn the most useful languages, but you should definitely devote some time to the languages you think work best. I don't know much about programming, but I know that my brother, after having a few jobs at rather uninteresting places found a small company where he can work on stuff he enjoys. He doesn't get paid a lot, but he says he learns something new each day, likes his work and appreciates the challenge.

You may have to start out working at boring places, but I'm sure you'll find something better in some time. It's important to have challange so you can improve yourself and have something to strive for. I'm sure there's some place out there for you, just keep your eyes and ears peeled.

3)Heh, yeah sometimes people, especially older people tend to nag too much on social media and the like. They do have a point in some way, but it's important to keep in mind that times are changing and the importance of the internet in people's lives is growing for better and for worse.

I didn't really use to use facebook that much, but now I must admit it is extremely useful for keeping up to date, with everyone. With how much information people have access to our personal worlds are becoming vastly bigger and we need some nifty tools to keep up with all of it. Aside from perhaps quantum encryption nothing is really secure. Encryption is quite interesting in it's own right.

phpBB [video]

Also you might know this one, but it's pretty interesting as well. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P_versus_NP_problem

What do you think of encryption and the P versus NP problem? You probably might them better than I do.

4)It will go up from here, it might be hard for some time still, but it will get better. It's a lot for me to say and you might be quick to dismiss me, but I am confident in it and you should be too. Seems like a decent car, I'm not much of a car buff, but if it gets you from point A to point B then it's probably just fine.

Don't worry about bringing people down, we are social beings and we benefit from listening to other people and helping them out whenever we can. Just try to listen to what other people tell you as well and I guarantee it'll be a beneficial interaction for the both of you.

If the person you are talking to doesn't seem to want to be saying anything to you they could have things they are dealing with themselves. Maybe you can help them and in turn help each other? Of course there are also some people who don't deserve your time or sometimes people can need some space for their own thoughts.

This is all elementary stuff, but it helps to say it out loud. Even if people respond to you negatively, it doesn't do anything to you, they are just worse off for nothing having the opportunity to talk to you. I've spent a lot of time typing to you and I must say I've thoroughly enjoyed it, I hope you have as well. I'd be more than happy to keep typing to you.

[RazY70]

@Razy
I know some people care a lot about me, but i think they'd be happier if they didn't

Bullshit! That's just the depression talking. You need to give yourself and others a little bit more credit.

Sure, in an ideal world we'd all be laughing and have a great time all day long, and who wouldn't rather have that. But look around you, many coped with a thing or two in life, and do genuinely want to help you get through a rough patch. You're not doing anyone a favor by rejecting them or their offer to help. More importantly you're making it worse for yourself.