I need to vent

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CekiHappy
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I need to vent

Post by CekiHappy »

Sorry if this sort of depressing crap doesn't belong in the Tavern, feel free to take it down if you want to.

Ill start with a little backstory first. Some of you may know this from the TS, but I'v been battling chronic depression for a while now and had a close call with suicide (or three). Eventually I reached out for help, got a therapist, and started "recovery"? I didn't really feel any better after 4 months, and had a few close calls in between. My therapist recommended that I be put on medication asap, so she set up an appointment with a psychiatrist on November 5th (yes its passed). I'm only 19 years old and still depend largely on my parents (who I haven't told any of this), so the only way I can even see a therapist is because of government assisted medicaid. Well for the past year, i'v been working with my mom part-time as a custodian making decent money, and it was more than enough for me because I didn't have many expenses. The whole time iv been working there, I'v let my mom keep over half my paycheck cause, again, little expenses. As it turns out, my supervisor is actually laundering money through me and my mom, and the half I give her went with another half of hers that she gave to my supervisor directly every time pay day came around. I'v only learnt this recently when my insurance was denied. I don't much care for my health, so no big deal, but i had 5 fraking days before my appointment when my therapist called me and said my insurance was gone. I checked online on the website, and It said I can keep my insurance... but my share of the cost is $404. This is about how much I thought I made in 2 weeks, but of course half goes to my supervisor, meaning I make almost that much in a month.

Now I have the choices of:
A. using all my money for medicaid and dropping out of college (cause I can't afford frak else)
B. ratting out my supervisor and mother (losing my job and mother(I don't care for her or my dad, but I would be kicked out the house))
C. Suicide (i'v already mostly lost the will to live, this is currently my top choice)
D. Try to get antidepressants or whatever through illegal means, which only have a CHANCE of working (i also have no idea how to get illegal drugs, this one is least likely)

All these choices suck or are unlikely, so I was wondering if anyone might have advice for me.

(sorry if this is crappily organized or explained, im not exactly in a right state of mind right now)
Ash2Dust
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Re: I need to vent

Post by Ash2Dust »

As we said on TS, take life on, move to a new environment. Don't have great answers as it takes you to take on the challenge of life as its completely worth it. Really, its worth it even if you live in completely poverty to be happy. We all have problems, comes down to moving to an environment that doesn't hold one there. You need a challenge, give yourself a hard one that's harder than what you're dealing with. Best way to beat the current challenge your dealing with and treading water with.
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Chemical2
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Re: I need to vent

Post by Chemical2 »

Man this sucks. i wouldn't pick suicide, but that's me. Why don't you care for your parents and why haven't you told them? first thing i would do is talk to my parents. I don't know how your situation is exactly ofcourse, but my parents would always be willing to lend me money or help me out of almost anything if its in their reach. For medications you could try weed once, see if it helps against the depresion heard many times it does so who knows. i don't know where you live so it could be illegal and you should be up to date of the effects and dangerous. I myself smoke i have no problems what so ever altough weed isnt a drug like alcohol that is accepted in many communities while it can be in you country. This last one can be a problem. You shouldnt drop out of college either. when you do stuff like going to college you meet people. wich is important. communicating is important atleast thats what life is telling me.
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Jokerle
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Re: I need to vent

Post by Jokerle »

Sad to hear about your troubles, man. I hope there is someone at your college you can talk to (like a trust teacher), they can offer often quite practical and helpful advices. There are also self-help groups for depression.
Life is a struggle at times, but you dont have to struggle alone. If you dont find them currently around you, move on, find new people. The only thing you can really do wrong in life is giving yourself up.

Suicide is by far not the last option you have. There are many before that. How about leaving town? state? country?
It does not matter if it will be hard and difficult, what matters is that there are perspectives.
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StarfisherEcho
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Re: I need to vent

Post by StarfisherEcho »

Check your PMs

Also, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you really can't see a way out. They can help you come up with a plan to move forward.
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.Sup
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Re: I need to vent

Post by .Sup »

All those "choices" aren't really choices, they just delay the inevitable recovery. I know depressed people, I have helped some and let me tell you none of them used pills or drugs to recover. Yes they wanted to since the easiest escape but they had a better alternative.

Now since its obvious you can't trust your problems with your parents, you have to trust them with your RL friends. Do you have a really good friend you can talk to? A good friend's help is genuine and will do anything in his/her power to help you.

Depression is in the head and pills won't exterminate it, you have to do it with help of your friends. You have to put your mind to it. First determine, with friends, why exactly you are depressed. Avoid the things that make you depressed and find new stuff to do that relax you. I suggest sports.

Don't drop out of school because its really hard to get back into it and in most cases that doesn't even happen. Find a new job, become a bit more independent, ask a friend if you could stay over for a couple days a week. Do you also have any other relatives that you can stay with?

Most importantly you have to have a goal. If you want to have a family you won't ever consider suicide. Suicide is surrender. By doing so you also kill the children you will mostly likely have and in 20 years you will look back and say thank God I haven't taken my life and then you will look at your kids and wife and cry out of happines.

Stay strong
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CekiHappy
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Re: I need to vent

Post by CekiHappy »

@chemical
I don't care about my parents because they're the biggest reason I feel this way, and they're not caring people who could possible help. I'v tried weed with a friend, it didn't affect me at all. That same friend is now looking into getting me antidepressants through his connections, so thats cool.
@Jokerle
I can't afford to leave town, but I have tried living away from my parents with my cousin for about a month. I felt it was completely useless because these feelings were stuck with me and moving didn't change that.
@star
I'v read your message star, and I get what you're trying to say. I know i'm supposed to just hold on, but I'v been doing that for a while now and i'm tired of it
@.sup
I disconnected myself with nearly all of my irl friends that i care about, because I didn't want them to feel too bad when the inevitable happened. The only friend I didn't disconnect with tells me the same basic thing as you guys, "just hold on to life, suicide is not the answer, etc.". He's also the one looking into the drug thing, so that might happen.

thanks for all of your thoughts
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Re: I need to vent

Post by ChiPore »

hey Ceki, i am really surprised to hear this from you , i have only hung out with you for a little bit but you have a great personality! your fun, have good sense of humor, intelligent and well at your age your all good looking so you do have things going for you. looking at your choices that you have lined up it sure does seem like a story i have heard from so many teens around your age. We all dislike our parents around then for various reasons , i had mine too. I was kicked out of the house by my male parental seed donor at age 17 because i am gay and forced to live on the streets (bad news there) but it toughens you up a bit.the one thing i want to tell you right off is that it is your life.. no one elses so if you think someone is messing with it - then out them! i dont care if it is your parents or boss or whoever! there is no one more important than you when it comes to living your life! dont do drugs or alcohol ,until your happy with life as a whole, they just waste your money and bring you down.seek out some teen support group once you spent some time in one of those youll see you dont have it so bad after all.there are a lot of great things to do and see in life that you totally have no clue about and when you experience them for the first time it can be truly amazing. like real love, traveling or a fun job that gives you a reason to want to get up everyday and go to work (there out there trust me). If i could trade shoes with you i would in an instant! but i do want you to do me one favor .. take a second to look around the world or the united states or even your town and tell me you dont see people that are clearly worse off than you atm....you have had just a few years to experience life - give it a chance. and man my door is ALWAYS open bnlong2002@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk or just need an ear to or shoulder to lean on for a bit.
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LCourage
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Re: I need to vent

Post by LCourage »

Hey brother,
My mother committed suicide when I was 15. I cannot clearly communicate via words how much harder it has made the next 20 years of my life. I know you don't have kids but you have family, friends and a crap ton of buddies here. All of who care about you, even if it's not realized. Don't be surprised if several of your fellow buddies here have been through similar issues. You are not alone, not even close.
Some options:
-go to a local county/city run psych facility
-go to any psych facility, you can pay medical bills back at any rate (ie $10 a month) with no hits to your credit
-join the Air Force, do some fun stuff, free medical and college, gets you away from home
-watch Peaceful Warrior, no seriously watch it
-PM me. I'm at work today and have lots of crazy stories from working the ambulance that will make your situation feel a bit more normal

Eric/LC
Last edited by LCourage on Wed Nov 13, 2013 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I need to vent

Post by ICallIDTheft »

Hey, it's not so bad. For one this forum is full of people who care about you and we want to see you stay. I don't know what else to say expect read what people have written here and know that there are people who might be halfway across the globe from you who you've still made an impression on. That's rather amazing. I know it isn't as easy as I say, but try your hardest to see good in everything even if it might seem worthless, value it.

The brain likes to get in a loop of repeating itself and convincing itself, but you have to realize that you might be falling into this trap and force yourself to think along other paths. We are capable of inwards thought, it is possible. If you have something that you enjoy doing focus on it, this can be anything from Uni work to GC to anything and everything that might seem little and insignificant, but what you like to think about.

And above all know that it's not that bad, life may seem to be set on tracks, but there are always wormholes here and there to hop through. Remember if you ever need to get something off your chest we'll be here and we'll always be ready to listen and no one will ever shun you. I may not know you much, but I do know that you can make it. Much love to you man.


If you feel like having a conversation I'll be here, I'll leave you some questions if it's not too much of a bother answer them. I'm curious.

What do you study at uni by the way? Any courses that you like particularly? Are some professors more annoying than others? What else has been going on? If you count from 0 to 10 how to you visualize the numbers?
CekiHappy
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Re: I need to vent

Post by CekiHappy »

Thanks BN and LC, those are some options I haven't considered and will definitely look into them.
@CallID
These are sorta strange questions to ask at a time like this, but ok.
1. I'v only started recently and am still doing General Ed. but I plan to get a B.S. in Computer Science.
2. My Intro to Computer Prog. class is my favorite class, though its boring at times since i'v already learnt a programming language.
3. None of my professors are bad people, they're all actually really nice and teach well. One of them has this annoying habit of going off topic for an hour or 2, and sometimes we don't learn anything in the class, but it's o.k. nonetheless.
4. Both my car and my moms broke down the same week, and the repairs left me with all of my savings completely gone, making me very strapped for cash. This biggest thing is losing my insurance at one of, no, the lowest point in my life.
5. I suppose I sound them out in my head. Like, i can hear myself count to myself in my head to myself. I don't see the words or numbers visually, unless I'm asked to.
Von_Krieg
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Re: I need to vent

Post by Von_Krieg »

Hey man there are a ton of options that can help you through this. Most hotlines are free and they will talk to you through these issues. What state are you from? You can also go to an emergency room if things get real bad and most states have help for people without insurance.

I have personally been through the depression thing and have used meds which take the edge off and help you through. I also supplement them with B12 and vitamin D.

Remember there are people out there that will help you like the number that Star posted. There are always state and local groups that will help so you should check them out as well.
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Cheesy
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Re: I need to vent

Post by Cheesy »

Which programming language did you learn? You might already be able to find a side job out of it to pay some bills. We can try to help.

And like all those guys said, there are a lot more options for health care. Also keep in mind the entire US health insurance system is in flux right now...if there's not an option now there probably will be in a few months.

I know none of that helps much because it's all about the future and life sucks now. Sometimes the universe just dumps a big bucket of crap on you and there's so much you think you can't even breath, and when people tell you "it smells like roses just up ahead" it doesn't mean much. All I can tell you is that everyone who's swum up sh!t creek has come out clean in the end :)

Just listen to the wisdom of the guys in this thread. When it all works out you'll look back on this and be so feckin proud of yourself for making it through. Future Ceki will send you a cosmic high-five, and your hot wife will be so thankful you stuck around to pop out a beautiful family of little mini-Cekis.

And whatever happens, never forget that there are tons of people on here rooting for you. It's the internet, you're stuck with us :thumbup:
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ICallIDTheft
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Re: I need to vent

Post by ICallIDTheft »

CekiHappy wrote: @CallID
These are sorta strange questions to ask at a time like this, but ok.
1. I'v only started recently and am still doing General Ed. but I plan to get a B.S. in Computer Science.
2. My Intro to Computer Prog. class is my favorite class, though its boring at times since i'v already learnt a programming language.
3. None of my professors are bad people, they're all actually really nice and teach well. One of them has this annoying habit of going off topic for an hour or 2, and sometimes we don't learn anything in the class, but it's o.k. nonetheless.
4. Both my car and my moms broke down the same week, and the repairs left me with all of my savings completely gone, making me very strapped for cash. This biggest thing is losing my insurance at one of, no, the lowest point in my life.
5. I suppose I sound them out in my head. Like, i can hear myself count to myself in my head to myself. I don't see the words or numbers visually, unless I'm asked to.
I find that talking about the small things to others let's people assess how they feel about them and what they actually mean to the person in question. How we show ourselves to others is often most like how we want to be ourselves and it's important to realise who you want to be. Besides I was just wondering, I'm not sure if you've told me before, but I'm a bit forgetful so you'll just have to forgive me if you have.

1) Cool, computers are definitely one of the most exciting phenomena that's apart of human existence today. They are relatively new and have to potential to become something truly different and they've already changed the world in massive ways. Parallel computing is also a particularly interesting field. Do you like any specific field in computer science?

2) I know what you mean sometimes I also get bored with stuff that is really exciting to me since repeating something I already know just doesn't seem that productive. I often find though that if I'm forced to contemplate on something I think I already know I can find a new angle on it. A lot of my family members are into programming and I can see why, I myself however like deal more with the physical world. What programming language do you know? What do you like about it? What other ones would you like to learn? Why?

3)That's awesome, I quite like my teachers as well. It's important that they should challenge you and inspire you to make sense of the subject in your head not just force the information onto your memory drive. Sometimes it can make the lesson more interesting if the teacher goes a bit off topic to bring some life to the material, but I too prefer if they stay on topic most of the time. What do they talk about when they go off topic?

4) That sucks, my brother goes through cars pretty fast. At the moment he is using his girlfriend's car, but before he was always whining about it taking too much time to use public transport. I don't know how good the public transport is where you live, but it's pretty good here. I certainly feel a bit more connected to the city by using it. Having a car is probably a lot more comfortable, but I wouldn't really know I don't even have a license.

Losing your insurance really sucks, but as it is as you say the most difficult time of your life it's only up from here. Money seems to be one of the most difficult topics for most people, you can't help but feel selfish while talking about it, but it is such an integral part of everyone's lives you can't avoid it. I try to make as little of a deal out of it as possible. What kind of car do you drive?

5) It seems as if people have two different main ways of counting one is to just sort of have the numbers appear and to count them in one's head, another is to imagine them visually on a number line for example. I'm sure there are other ways of counting it just seems that those two are the most common. I bet the people who count them with a "scrolling" number line were taught numbers using number lines in their first years of maths.

I myself also count by having the idea of the number appear as a thought not as an image.
I don't know if one method is "better" than the other or not, but one might give one type of advantages the other different ones. If you visualize numbers you maybe be able to reason using your internal voice while doing calculations, if you "think" numbers you may be able to imagine things while doing so easier, but that's just pure speculation. I think this would be something rather interesting to study. We imagine things differently in our heads yet we have to translate our thoughts to others constantly, I admire the people who can do it well. I got the idea from Feynman.

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RazY70
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Re: I need to vent

Post by RazY70 »

It's a good thing that you vented out, and quite heartwarming to see the reaction and care. While things may seem hard at the moment those two things are important to keep in mind. People do care about your well being, and it's always a good idea not keep things bottled in.

Your first and foremost priority should be to get better. Anything that doesn't help or gets in the way of that should be put aside. I'm sure you've heard it before, but try to work out a plan with achievable goals and stick to it. Gradually things will fall into place and you'll be on your way to recovery. There are always options and alternatives. Nothing is inevitable when it comes to the decisions and choices we make.
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